Upon Learning From A Free Online Quiz That You’re A Facts Curator

by Carolyn Moore

This means you are highly intelligent and have picked up an impressive and unique collection of facts and figures over the years. You’ve got a remarkable vocabulary and exceptional math skills.
—from a follow-up email offering a 15-page report . . . for a substantial fee

Butter your butt can call you Biscuit—hot
from the oven, primed to soak up grease and praise!
Clever and fleet with figures, you divvy up
the offer: only six bucks and spare change

(per page) for more, more, more. You cuddle up
to the first deadly sin and wish the quiz
had let you flaunt more pet words: wunjo, ilk,
rapscallion, sarisponda—to name but four.

Proud and valued—is that too much to crave?
And who can prize us more than someone selling
selkie skins to slip inside to Braille,
with newfound fins, the vocabulary sea?

Some claim that in this quiz all querents find
their niches, their nests fledged with flattery?
A pox upon their house—may the numbers rot
off its street address! May pustules blight

their diction, suppurate, and leach it dry.
Sincerity? We’ll take sweet talk, however
crudely slathered on. We’ll savor its ooze
on our digits, tally up each lick and suck.

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